BACK STORY:
Little Chas. 12 year old. 5 feet 5 inches, 130 lbs. 5th/6th grade Chas. Previously went to Lincoln elementary in Lakewood from 3rd-5th grade. And now switching to Rocky River Middle School for 6th grade. Temporarily living with my grandparents for all of 6th grade. Living away from all of my 4 siblings. All of us living with either Aunts/Uncles/cousins/grandparents.
First thing that comes to mind: confusion. family and friend separation. abandonment. lack of confidence. The stress of switching schools. lack of direction. no clear plan for the future.
Just one of our many abandonment phases during our adolescence. Very traumatic time as 6th grade approached. 5 of us siblings + our Mother. All together under one roof. Strong. Building. Growing. and Boom. all separated. Mother mentally instable and non existent. Selling everything in our house. Bikes. toys. All gone. starting over. No more “i love You’s.” No more reassurance. No more affirmation. No more being held and touched.
I remember in this time my deep need to keep us together. to know what my siblings were doing and to call them, see them, and keep this number one priority in the back of my mind, “we need to be together.” I never developed resentment during this time for my Mother. Just simply thinking, “we will be back together, she didn’t mean for this to happen.” As a 6th grade kid, this sort of gave me lots of perspective when getting pulled away from things that you really love. it also made me desire love to a unhealthy degree because the lack of it in that stage of life. It changed my perception on what love actually is and what it means.
I remember the courts being involved. Family services. Allowing us siblings to see our Mother once in awhile in some public soulless room in downtown Cleveland. This carried on for 1 year or so. It smelled horrible. had a depressing feeling to it. Lots of confusion, but some simply affirmation when we would meet along the lines of “we will be back together soon.” Thats most of what I can remember.
I remember how this translated to my day-to-day emotional stability as I went about 6th grade. i remember having many moments of highs, but also extreme lows. I remember how personal i would take put downs at school or how I would let the littlest thing ruin my day. i didn’t have the confidence or strength/resilience during this time to stay ahead of the day’s stresses. It was hard to see big picture because of the trauma in that stage. It made me naturally de value commitment and keep this “victim mindset.” Inability to step aside from harsh words or tough situations. I would carry that energy with me. Buildup of frustration. “why me.” “All of this is BS.” etc.
This naturally made me less confident. less likely to step up and be a leader. Less likely to initiate and really get ahead of the game. I was naturally more of a follower in this stage.
Lets circle back to the affirmative/reassurance part of this article:
A letter to the 12 year old version of Chas:
Chas man. Its really hard for you to see this right now and this might not make sense for years. I want you to realize everything that you will always need is there with you. You are loved even when you don’t feel loved. You have a guardian angel carrying over you that is keeping you safe. You might feel alone, but some day you’re going to grow into the leader you always imagined growing into. head up. eye contact. speaking with confidence. bringing light to every situation. You are going to be this man some day. And it is possible for you to practice all of these things right now. because guess what? everything you become is what you practice. You become the man you want to be by what you doing every damn day. you are enough. you are loved. you do deserve the best. Right now, I need you to believe that you are going to make a difference and that you are a valuable human. everything that steps in your way and tries to bring you down is just energy that doesn’t even deserve the time or day or waste of breath. you are a natural born leader and you have so much to offer this world. sometimes you’re going to feel alone when you separated from your mother and siblings. this doesn’t mean that your soul is not with you. you have something unique that no one else in the world has. your purpose is different than everyone else’s on this planet. Someday you’re going to impact people heavily. you’re going to do everything you can to feel your best and to naturally inspire everyone around you to feel their best. Your smile radiates peace and love. your heart is what guides you. listen to it. Every damn day, keep practicing giving back with your heart. When you’re on your death bed some day, you aren’t going to remember 6th grade bully’s. You’re going to remember what your heart wants you to remember. Lead with it. it will fulfill you and give you everything you need. Everything that brings you even the slightest amount of joy is meant for you and your day. Do not give up on things that make you happy. When life gets crazy, stick even harder to the commitments and things you love. Get your ass in the gym, because guess what? Some day ur gonna be shredded year round and have abs that show 24/7. Hell ya brother. that is you. Big picture my man. let this letter be the reminder that you’re going to grow into everything you expect yourself to be. Your siblings will be successful. They will be okay. Some day you’re all going to be adults and you’re going to be smiling, laughing, and creating experiences and traditions together. You will do whatever it takes to find peace. For now, you need to be the best version of you. confident. eyes on the prize. heart on fire. feet on the ground. No matter where you are, keep growing in self work. Be a singer. be a athlete. be a weight lifter. be a journaler. be a musician. Everything you want to be starts right now man. because in 10 years, you’re not going to care what anyone thinks. You’re going to realize that whatever you needed to be happy only matters to you. I know you want that one person by your side to hold you, kiss you on the forehead and tell you how special you are. close your eyes. imagine this. God is here with you. he always has been. You’re going to realize this some day. keep praying. keep practicing gratitude. its going to pay off down the road brother. you got this dude. lets go get it. No excuses. keep doing good and keep making yourself better. communicate your needs. talk about your feelings. write them down more in a journal when you’re not ready to talk about them just yet. don’t hid from them. all the pain is okay. nothing is good or bad. its all apart of what we need to feel. hold those tougher moment gently and be kind to yourself. they’re temporary. like waves. you’re always going to be alright man. lets keep on moving.
THE_HUMAN_EXPERIMENT1993 